By Stephanie Rodda
stephanierodda.wordpress.com
While adoption was once considered a shameful family secret, that is no longer the case. Adoption is now socially acceptable and fairly common, but that doesn’t mean people know how to ask questions without being hurtful.
Even the most well-intentioned people rarely know how to ask about adoption or discuss adoption without saying the wrong thing. I’m not talking about being politically correct; I mean being sensitive about your words on this very tender subject.
I am the mother of seven adopted children. We are vastly the same and slightly different. We do not share the same skin color. We cause many people to be curious and sometimes people just want to know more about our family. People likely look at us at times and think there must be a story. They are right about that.
Almost every time we are in public someone will ask us something. Some of the common questions are:
Are they brothers and sisters?
This usually follows immediately after someone has discovered that these are my children. They are not foster children and I have adopted them. They are mine.
What the asker means is, are they biologically or birth-related? That is not a terrible thing to wonder about, but it is a rather personal thing to ask especially of a stranger in a public place. The worst part of this particular question is that it is almost always asked in the presence of my children.
When they were much younger, I can remember the looks of confusion on the faces of my children standing at a cash register at Walmart while the cashier asked and everyone in the near vicinity bent their ear to hear how I would reply.
Think for a moment how such a question would sound to an adopted child — a child who has been told (correctly) that they are a part of a lovingly designed family. Whether the child has been part of the family from infancy or they joined the family at a later age, this question challenges their bond with siblings by indicating that there is a difference in the relationship if they share the same biological parents. There is no difference. Blood does not trump love. Blood does not guarantee love.
I usually answer, “Yes, of course they are brothers and sisters. They are all my children.” Of course there are other times when a person who actually knows our family, who is genuinely interested in us and cares for us will ask the very same question. My answer for them is different. “What you mean is, are they related by birth or biologically?”
Do you have children of your own?
What the asker means is, did I birth any children? My answer varies according to whether asked privately and by how well I know the person. I usually reinforce the concept that these seven are indeed my own. That’s the most important part of the answer. Let me tell you, we didn’t accidentally adopt a single one of them. And as a matter of fact, our hearts claimed them as our own long before we could do so legally. Some of our adoptions took years to complete. Yes they are our own.
The better way to ask would be, “Do you have other children besides those you’ve adopted?” The answer to that question is yes. We fostered 45 children and they hold a special place in our hearts. We also lost two children by miscarriage who we are looking forward to being reunited with in eternity. This is why I will almost always introduce myself as a “mom of many, adoptive mom of seven.”
Why didn’t their momma want them?
I cannot answer for every situation but I can answer for ours. That is simply not the case. I have never encountered a birth mother who did not want her child. I have met birth mothers who in spite of wanting their children realized they could not properly care for them. I have seen birth mothers who were caught up in lifestyles of addiction that had warped their ability to put their children first. I have seen birth mothers who continued to make poor choices and lost their rights to their children. I have seen birth mothers who were incapable of taking care of themselves much less a child. I have seen birth mothers who were able to beat the odds and make the changes and raise the children they birthed. But in my experience I have never seen a mother who just didn’t want her children. Perhaps they are out there. If so they are the exception not the rule.
They are so blessed to have you.
The reply to that comment is easy. We are so blessed to have each other. What we need to avoid is the implication that we have rescued them. We have indeed claimed them as our own and labored in a different manner to make them ours. But we didn’t just feel sorry for them and take them out of pity. It is love that has forged our family together.
Recently a young adoptive couple shared an encounter with an elderly couple. The older man asked why they had adopted a black baby. His wife inserted, “He was their last chance.” The young parents were astounded and quickly corrected her. “He was not our last chance and we were not his. He is God’s plan for us and we are God’s plan for him.”
When considering how to speak adoption, it may be best to understand a bit about adoption culture. There are international adoptions, domestic adoptions, familial adoptions, foster adoptions, open adoptions and private adoptions. Adoption is diverse and many times involves a complicated array of emotions. Be aware of red flags before asking what you really want to know. Are you in public? Are the children within earshot? Are you crossing the lines of personal and private?
So what can you say? How can you respond? What is a good way to give an encouraging word?
There are plenty of ways. Did you know that most adoptive parents are extremely proud of their children and adoption proponents? Most of them will gladly share parts of their journey, even with a stranger. Most of them will respond with grace even when you stumble into the conversation. Most of them want to encourage a healthy interest in the beauty of adoption. It is after all a lovely way to build a family.
Some things to say:
1. You have a lovely family.
This type of statement opens the door for the parent to mention adoption if he or she so chooses. I have often replied to such a comment when the time is right, “Thank you. We are so thankful for the miracle of adoption.” That gives the commenting person their window to ask more.
2. What a beautiful baby.
You may really want to know if this is a foster child, an adoptive child or a neighbor’s child. But honestly you don’t need to know the details of why this baby is in their arms. It is enough to know that this baby is in loving arms.
3. We are considering adoption.
Parents of adopted children might not do more than encourage you, but they also might pause and share a glimpse of their own journey. I assure you, when it is the right time, their eyes will twinkle with delight to do so as they speak adoption.
Editor’s Note — This article first appeared in Birmingham Parent magazine. Stephanie Rodda is a Birmingham-based freelance writer, wife and adoptive mother. She blogs, speaks and writes about faith and family.
- 188 international adoptions were finalized in Alabama in 2013.
- In Alabama there are currently about 300 children who are awaiting adoption.
- Through Alabama Baptist Children’s Homes & Family Ministries, 25 adoptions took place in 2014 through the its foster care programs.
- With more than 3,000 Alabama Baptist churches, if 1 family in 1 out of every 10 churches adopted 1 child, every child in need of adoption would have a home.
(Sources: Bureau of Consular Affairs, Alabama Department of Human Resources, Children’s Aid Society)
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