Loneliness is a difficult feeling to understand. Though it often happens when a person is isolated from others in some way, one also can be lonely in the midst of a crowd. The feelings may develop gradually or suddenly overwhelm. Some people never feel lonely while others live with a persistent feeling of being an outsider.
“Loneliness varies from person to person in terms of severity,” said Richard Yoakum, director of counseling services at Samford University in Birmingham. “The response to those feelings really depends on the person and the support or lack of support the person has at the time.”
Loneliness is not the same as being alone, however, according to Charles Hobson, a chaplain and counselor for Crossbridge Behavioral Health, an affiliate of Baptist Medical Center South, Montgomery. Periods of solitude can be energizing and refreshing. In contrast loneliness negatively affects a person’s emotional, physical and social health.
Cause of other issues
Though everyone feels lonely at times, loneliness that persists can lead to more serious issues including clinical depression, dementia and a decreased life expectancy, Hobson said.
In fact loneliness is a feeling of emotional or social disconnection with symptoms not unlike those of depression, according to Steven L. Edwards, author of “Griefwise: Taking Good Care of Yourself” (Xlibris, 2012). He writes that symptoms of loneliness can include:
- Difficulty facing life’s challenges.
- Constant fatigue or lethargy.
- Low self-esteem.
- Feeling as if there is no one to turn to.
- Feeling isolated in a crowd of people.
- Loss of appetite and weight.
- Uncontrollable gain in weight.
“Persistent loneliness is a red flag,” Edwards writes. “It can bring on feelings of unworthiness, anxiety and fear. … Loneliness also preoccupies the mind making it difficult to make decisions or causing a person to make hasty and unwise decisions.”
Though grief and loneliness are often associated, any transition can open the door to feelings of isolation, Yoakum said. Job changes, marriages, births, relocation and retirement may be positive changes but they are changes nonetheless.
“Generally any time you go through an adjustment it creates some anxiety,” Yoakum said.
Dealing with the holidays
Holidays are a good example of situations that require flexibility. Even though they happen every year, holidays force people to change their normal routines, Yoakum said. People begin to feel the pressure of increased responsibilities and increased demands on their time.
“Lots of hope is put into the expectation that this is going to be a fantastic Christmas yet things can turn out different than expected,” Yoakum said.
Even if the differences are neutral someone who is already experiencing some loneliness may have trouble adapting to the changes. Loss and grief can exacerbate the situation, leading people to feel emotionally isolated especially if they cannot express their feelings to others.
“The person may feel ‘not quite right’ or have a lonely feeling going from one place to the next [and have] difficulty being in the moment,” Yoakum said. “Then they wonder, ‘what’s wrong with me? I’m supposed to be happy.’”
Such feelings should not be overlooked, Hobson said. Instead he advises people to acknowledge their feelings and develop a strategy to cope with them.
“You have to change your thinking,” he said. “If you recognize that you are going to feel lonelier during certain times you need to have a strategy. Begin ahead of time and put a plan in place to do things you need to do to deal with your loneliness.”
Have a plan
Having a plan in place can help a lonely person avoid what might be the worst response to loneliness — pushing others away.
“The lonely person feels that nobody cares so they become very guarded and self-protective. Even if someone reaches out to them they may think the person doesn’t really care and is doing it because of guilt or another reason,” Hobson said.
When family members and friends who reach out feel like their efforts are not welcomed they may stop trying. As a result the lonely person’s interpersonal skills begin to weaken and the loneliness continues to grow.
Hobson advises family and friends to seek to understand the ambivalence that loneliness brings and to make the effort to keep their loved one socially and emotionally engaged. Simple actions like a telephone call or an invitation to go out for coffee may seem small but they are huge steps toward building quality relationships.
“When people are lonely they really do want you to contact them. They do want you to call or visit. They need the relationship even though they seem to be guarding against it,” he said.
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