Loneliness is a misty kind of thing. Loneliness is not quite the same as being alone. It is not necessarily solved by having people around. Synonyms include solitude, seclusion and estrangement, but none of those words are quite right to describe the sense of loneliness that many feel.
At the outset we should recognize that loneliness is in part a desire for human companionship, a desire that is appropriate and good. We were designed as human beings for fellowship and it is a necessary aspect of spiritual and physical health. God said it was not good for Adam to be alone and gave him a suitable helper (Gen. 2:18). Marital companionship is displayed in the Song of Solomon as the two lovers long for one another’s presence.
We find companionship in friendship as well. Scripture says Jonathan loved his friend David “as his own soul” (1 Sam. 18:3). The apostle Paul was strengthened by the presence of his friends, particularly Barnabas and Timothy. Jesus Himself was saddened when His disciples sleepily ignored His sorrow (Mark 14:32–42). A person longing for companionship wants something good God created. But desiring companionship is not the only thing that makes up loneliness.
Loneliness also can be an inappropriate way of looking to human relationships to provide something God never designed them to provide: relevance and belonging. A common assumption is that human relationships make us relevant. Loneliness is often painful because hidden within it is a self-condemning pronouncement of irrelevance. People feel as if they do not belong and thus are unimportant. So a Friday evening alone at home becomes a ruinous sign of irrelevance. However, God did not design human companionship to be our source of relevance and belonging.
Psalm 31 is a great example of viewing loneliness theologically. David, a man who knew what it was to be quite popular, bemoans, “Because of all my adversaries, I have become a reproach, especially to my neighbors, and an object of dread to my acquaintances; those who see me in the street flee from me. I have been forgotten like one who is dead; I have become like a broken vessel” (11–12).
In other words even after all those years of popularity human relationships had failed him. People act in their own interests so when David benefitted people they loved him. When David got in the way of their interests he was cast aside as unimportant, forgotten and irrelevant. What was true for David is true today. People treat one another according to the contours of their own interests.
This is why we need the Lord Jesus Christ. We naturally treat others according to selfish desires and too often we pull away from them when they fail to give us what we want relationally. Loneliness can be our way of reacting against others for not doing what we want them to do for us.
But David did not merely complain about the state of the world. He did so in a way that moved toward trust, specifically in the loving acceptance of the Almighty God. He continues, “But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in your hand” (14–15a).
Only this level of trust frees us to serve others rather than be quietly embittered when they do not meet our expectations.
Jesus Christ trusted God in this way. As He faced true abandonment not only by His friends but also by His Father He cried out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” The answer to this question is: Because that is what sin deserves. Jesus was rejected so that anyone who trusts Him can be welcomed. Jesus was abandoned so that we could belong. If God sacrificed His own Son to bring His people to Him, is He not trustworthy?
Practical steps
How can you do this practically? Two simple steps come to mind. First express your heart to God in your loneliness. You were designed to express your concerns to God and entrust them to Him. Second determine not to use others for your own ends. Pray for a heart to serve not to be served. Often lonely people reach out to others only to fill something in themselves. This is not the way of Christ who frees us to serve others and trust God to take care of the rest.
Don’t let loneliness tell you the lie that you are irrelevant. Let the gospel tell you the truth: You are accepted.
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