After her mom died Susan spent many Sunday afternoons crying in her car as she drove home from visiting her dad, knowing that he felt terribly lonely without her mom.
So a few months later she was glad when her dad said he was going to dinner with a woman from work. Her gladness turned to surprise when he announced a month later that he planned to marry the woman. Though she was happy her father would have someone to share his life with, her stepmother was not the person Susan would have picked, she said.
“She was very different than mother, but honestly I didn’t expect him to remarry someone to replace mother. I just didn’t expect him to get married so soon,” Susan said.
Leah found herself in a similar situation when her mom began dating a year after Leah’s father died. Leah’s mom had made it clear that she hoped to remarry someday and when Leah met Willard she was struck by how different he was from her father.
Different histories
“My dad was a big football fan who was always the life of the party,” Leah said. “Willard was a military man who rode a motorcycle.”
Like Susan, Leah was happy her mom would have a companion. Though the motorcycle scared her Leah felt confident her mom would be safe physically, emotionally and financially with Willard.
Both women admit that learning to love their stepparent and to blend two families with different histories and traditions was challenging.
“The dynamics of our family changed overnight,” Susan said. “Suddenly we had a stepmother and a stepbrother and there were other grandchildren in the family.”
The fact that Susan, her brothers and their families had to share their dad with another family caused some resentment.
Leah’s brother had a hard time because though he was a young adult, he lived with his mother and had to adjust to a new father figure in the house.
The struggles that Susan and Leah faced are not unusual in stepfamilies formed through later-life marriages that often happen after a former spouse has died. Later-life marriages bring many emotional transitions for adult stepchildren including feelings of abandonment and betrayal, according to Ron Deal, founder and president of Smart Stepfamilies and author of “The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family.”
“Many couples marrying later in life mistakenly assume that because their children are adults their transition to a stable intergenerational stepfamily will be smooth,” Deal writes.
Adult children often fear that grandchildren will be overlooked in the excitement of the new marriage. Concerns about family inheritances and finances are common. Adult children also realize that the family’s heritage is changing. There is hope, however.
“These negative emotions can eventually give way to feelings of bondedness and connection and multigenerational blessings,” Deal writes. “The pace of this developing relationship varies and some will never be more than respectful friends. But for most a basic sense of mutual respect and care for one another is genuinely attained. Others will develop a deep, loving and trusting bond that is very special.”
For Leah the bond with her stepfather grew when she became a mother. Both she and Willard realized that he would be the grandfather her children remembered.
“My dad wasn’t there to be a grandfather but Willard was there when they were born. They were the first grandchildren and that fact added a lot of dimension to our relationship,” Leah said. “Willard’s connection with my kids has meant a lot to my mom too. There’s a layer of ‘glue’ that wasn’t there before.”
In Susan’s family her father’s relationship with the grandchildren was a point of contention with her brother, who felt like their stepmother had taken away his children’s grandfather.
Deal writes that regardless of their age adult stepchildren feel loyal to their original family, so uncomfortable attempts to blend the two families, such as for holiday gatherings or special events, can be difficult.
“Accepting a stepparent means the established family ties and special family holidays and celebrations must stretch to make room for newcomers,” Deal writes at SmartStepFamilies.com. “This isn’t easy and frankly it hurts.”
Deal counsels the marriage partners not to take their adult children’s response personally.
No longer like home
“It’s not really about you. It’s about home no longer feeling like home,” Deal writes.
Leah felt that when she realized her mom did not have any photos of her dad in the house.
“There were times that would get to me a little bit,” Leah said. “I remember thinking, ‘just because he’s your new husband doesn’t mean daddy wasn’t my dad.’ But my sensitivity to things like that has decreased over time.”
Open lines of communication can help avoid some difficult situations. Deal advises adult children to acknowledge their feelings about their parent’s remarriage in order to avoid those emotions turning into withdrawal, criticism or hurtful behavior.
He also counsels adult children to act in loving ways toward a new stepparent even if they don’t feel love yet.
“Resist the urge to withdraw in anger or judgment,” Deal writes. “Acknowledge that your parent has legitimate needs and desires that include pursuing a dating or marriage partner. Doing so does not diminish the importantance of your other parent, your family history or their relationship with you.”
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