Faith and Family: Parenting anxieties — Avoid temptation to be ‘helicopter parent’; guide and teach but allow kids to learn own lessons

Faith and Family: Parenting anxieties — Avoid temptation to be ‘helicopter parent’; guide and teach but allow kids to learn own lessons

I will never forget the day I met the ultimate “helicopter parents.” They were describing their son to me and asking for help, fearful he would not be able to make a healthy transition into adulthood. They described his extreme moodiness, entitlement, tantrums, physical violence, difficulty finding and keeping a job, all-night video game binges and occasional drug use. As they spoke, I could almost see him in my mind’s eye: the sullen teenager in pajama pants and a T-shirt lying on the couch and yelling for mom to bring him some soda or a sandwich. Then they dropped the bomb. Their son was in his early 30s.

Parenting trend

They had fallen victim to one of the most troubling trends in parenting today. They were so afraid their son would fail that they had become almost entirely reactive, allowing him to set the agenda through bad behavior. As a result they began bailing him out of problems in his childhood (there were literally no consequences for breaking the neighbor’s window) and had continued throughout his teen years and well beyond until they essentially had a 12-year-old in a grown man’s body still living in their home. The mom said to me near the end of the session, “I just don’t know how we got here.”

It is important that we constantly keep in mind our primary objective as parents: preparing our children to be healthy adults, capable of providing for their own needs and for the needs of others. Proverbs 22:6 says we are to train our children in the way they should go. The word used for training here implies a long-term effort of constant correction and guidance. One way to look at the process of training is to boil it down to five essential steps: 

1. Teach principles. 

We teach our children principles like honesty, humility and generosity because it is important that they know why they are doing what they are doing. Principles provide a basis to help our children figure out situations on their own. 

2. Teach skills. 

We teach skills like cleaning, driving and filling out job applications so our children know how to do what they will be expected to do as responsible adults. Most life skills cannot be taught by observation alone. No one learns how to drive by sitting in the passenger seat.  

3. Require practice.

We must then require practice of both these skills and these principles so our children learn to do them well. Requiring skills practice is a bit easier for most of us. We easily get on board with kids having chores at home, helping with meals and learning to drive a car. However, practicing healthy life principles is vitally important as well. For example your child will learn the value of saving and earning money much better if they are required to be responsible for some part of their financial life at an early age.  

4. Allow failure.

This is perhaps the most important step. Reflect for a moment on the most significant life lessons you have learned. For most of us the lessons we remember best involved making a big mistake and having to live with the consequences. 

Lessons that last

Think about the first time you used a hand mixer. Did you pick up the mixer while the beaters were spinning and get dough all over the kitchen? Most of us learned that we must turn off the beaters before removing the mixer from the bowl because we had to clean up dough from places we had no idea it could travel. For most of us this lesson lasts a lifetime. 

We must allow our children to learn their own lessons by allowing them to make mistakes and then requiring them to live with the results. They must help “clean up the mess” by paying for the replacement window or going without a car until they can afford the crash damage.  

5. Debrief the results.

We also must constantly debrief with our children on their successes and failures. It is important to celebrate the victories with them and to let them know that you have seen how they handled difficult situations. It also is important to sit down with them after a mistake or poor choice and help them work out what went wrong and how they would handle it if they had to do it over again. Keep in mind that during these times you are primarily acting as a consultant, helping them to think through the situation. You may not need to add any further consequences, and you absolutely do not need to say or imply “I told you so.”  

When you are not sure how to handle a situation with your 5-, 10-, 15- or 20-year-old, just remind yourself of the desired outcome: a healthy adult. Ask yourself, 

  • What principles does my child need to learn? 
  • What skills does he or she need to help with this situation?
  • At what level can I be involved without taking away their opportunity to learn by experience?

Then allow them to make their choices and initiate a conversation about the results. The growth they experience will go a long way toward helping you let go of some of the parental anxiety you feel because they will be a step closer to becoming a responsible adult. 

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