As Dan and Margie sit outside the principal’s office with their son, Jason, they wonder how things have gotten to this point. Jason has always been a sweet boy, even when his mischievous nature took over. Dan and Margie thought staying busy would help so they had carefully scheduled sports, music lessons and church activities to keep him headed in the right direction.
When Jason’s preteen antics had gotten a little out of hand, they had always made it right with the neighbors. His pranks were just part of being young, after all — certainly nothing to be concerned about, at least that’s what they thought.
However, as Jason’s senior year approached and college acceptance season was looming, Margie ended up filling out Jason’s college applications for him because he didn’t show an interest. And now Jason had been caught vandalizing the locker rooms in the school gym. Neither Dan nor Margie can understand why Jason insists on making such poor choices. What did they do wrong?
School violence. Grades. Abduction. Terrorism. Sexting. Dating. Bullying. College admission.
A parent’s list of potential worries is often quite extensive which may explain why parental anxiety has reached an all-time high, according to child and family therapist David Anderegg, author of “Worried All the Time: Rediscovering the Joy in Parenthood in an Age of Anxiety.”
“Parents have always worried about their kids. That’s what parents do,” Anderegg writes. “There’s a reason why a protective mother used to be called a mother hen: hens do the same thing, protecting and worrying about their chicks.”
Many parents today take worrying to the extreme, however.
“Excessive worrying is something that causes suffering in parents — suffering that is both unnecessary and also very real,” Anderegg writes.
Excessive worry and anxiety are often linked, and when parents become anxious in their parenting their decisions may be motivated by fear rather than logic, according to Rod Campbell, a licensed professional counselor for Pathways Professional Counseling, a ministry of the Alabama Baptist Children’s Homes & Family Ministries.
“Fear is almost never a good reason for a parenting decision. Running away from a dangerous situation might be a good idea, but making a deliberate choice out of fear is almost always an indicator that the decision is being made more from emotion rather than reason.”
In recent years the term “helicopter parent” has become a popular description for parents who seem overly involved in their children’s lives. Though the term was first used to describe parents of high school and college students who seemed to hover a little too much, the term has increasingly been applied to parents of children of all ages who seem overprotective or overcontrolling.
Too much control can backfire, however, leading to children who fail to mature into responsible adults. That’s why children need age-appropriate opportunities to learn to be responsible for themselves, Campbell said.
Some of those opportunities will not end as well as others, but those are teachable moments.
“Failure is a healthy and necessary part of life. Protecting your children from failure robs them of the ability to learn very important life lessons,” Campbell said. “The younger a child can learn from a mistake, the less painful that mistake will be, relatively speaking.”
That is not to say that parents should never get involved, Campbell emphasized.
“Grace is a good thing. Your child should not have to pay full-price for every single mistake. But grace, when taken too far, quickly becomes enablement,” he said.
For Christian parents an active prayer life is key to balancing concern and control. Prayer allows all of us, especially parents, to turn our worries and concerns over to God, said Belinda Stroud, an associate in the office of Sunday School and discipleship for the Alabama Baptist State Board of Missions.
“Children are one of our greatest blessings, so naturally as parents, we tend to worry about them in many ways,” Stroud said. “As a parent of two boys I remind myself of Philippians 4:6 often: ‘Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God.’ God is the example of the ultimate parent so gaining wisdom and insight from Him is best.”
Instruction manual
“God also provided us an instruction manual, the Bible, and along with the Holy Spirit we can be guided to make the best decisions for our children,” Stroud said.
Support from other Christian parents within a community of faith can help ease parental anxieties as well, Campbell said. Children are encouraged when they see their parents and their friends’ parents living out their faith in real ways. The support of Christian parents who have “been there” is invaluable too, Campbell said.
“Never be afraid to ask for help. Look at families who have raised children who have become successful adults and ask them for advice. It’s amazing what their experiences can teach you,” he said. “And remember you will make mistakes while parenting. Learn from them and be ready to share a few years from now when a younger parent seeks your help.”
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